It’s Not You, It’s Me. Why Parent’s Aren’t the Problem in Youth Hockey
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Something that I hear often in coaching circles is typically something along the lines of “I hate dealing with the parents” or “The parents are ruining this for the kids”. First, let me lead by saying I am far from an expert. I’ve had the fortune of coaching in a developing hockey market for the last five years, which I know is just a blip on the radar compared to many involved in the game. However, my experience with youth hockey parents has been overwhelmingly positive, and as coaches, we need to learn how to work and communicate with parents instead of shunning them away. It is true that some parents are certifiably insane and no matter what coaches, organizations, or USA Hockey do, will continue to act nothing short of crazy. Everyone knows at least one of these parents, and they can truly ruin the sport for their kids. Unfortunately, this likely extends well beyond the hockey rink and I really feel for these kids. As someone who had two loving, supportive parents I can’t imagine anything else and am truly grateful for my upbringing. It’s even more unfortunate that outside of hockey, crazy parents are likely more common than what we even see at the rink. Seriously, hockey parents deserve a ton of credit for letting their kids play in the first place. Most hockey parents are hardworking, good people and make tremendous sacrifices in time, energy, and money just to allow their kids to play a sport they love. That in itself is pretty commendable. Surely, tennis or basketball would have been easier options. Kids - don’t forget that it’s a privilege to play the great game of hockey! So, why do hockey parents get a bad reputation? In my opinion, it can be boiled down several reasons:
1. Organizations fail to set and hold standards
2. Parents don’t know any better
3. Coaches neglect communicating with parents
4. It’s easier to blame someone else
5. The vocal minority of parents get the majority of the attention
Culture:
A hot button topic in youth hockey right now is “culture”, and rightfully so. It is critically important. There are many varying viewpoints on this, especially given the amount of information that is available today. However, if organizations/coaches do not shape the youth hockey narrative/culture for their parents, the parents will do it themselves. This begs the question, what should the narrative be? I am not going to get into details here, but simply stated it should focus on two core concepts in my opinion 1.) A positive, fun environment. 2.) Continuous development as a hockey player and human being. Note that both of these are possible at all levels and can be executed from learn to play to the NHL. Because many organizations fail to set and hold standards, it leads to a bunch of parents coming up with their own ideas of how things should be done. Coaches end up playing whack a mole with every parent’s ideas, and why the way that things are currently being done is wrong. It’s not the parent’s fault that the organization/coach (that they are paying good money to be a part of!) did a poor job of establishing norms, goals, and expectations. People like to be led! Organizations and coaches alike need to be aligned and constantly enforce the reasons why we are all at the rink (hint: to have fun and become better!)
Education:
This is not true everywhere, but especially in developing markets most parents just don’t know any better. This is not their fault! Coaches should take on the responsibility of educating parents (and players) on development, emphasizing that everyone is different. Aside from the beginning of the year meeting, how many times do coaches meet with parents as a group? We spend hundreds of hours on the ice practicing with the players, and surely the parents deserve some “practice/development” time as well. The amount of information that is accessible for parents via the internet today is a double-edged sword. Given the various developmental paths and conflicting incentives, one can easily be led astray. Determining what is truly best for each player requires significant thought and analysis. Hockey decisions often weigh heavily in other areas of life and need to be viewed holistically. Last season my team held several hour-long sessions during road trips discussing the landscape of youth, junior, and college hockey, along with supporting data. Our parents found this incredibly helpful and it spurred a lot of healthy discussion that continued throughout the season. This is also a great opportunity to highlight the differences of perspective your coaching staff may have. For example, I played Tier 3 Juniors and ACHA club hockey, while other coaches on my staff played Canadian Jr / NCAA D3 and USHL / NCAA D1, respectively. These paths are obviously very different, and one isn’t more right or wrong than the other. Ultimately, each path was successful in accomplishing our goals of playing the game we love at the highest level possible.
Communication:
Relationships between players and coaches have changed drastically over the years. Most of this is for the better and revolves around communication. I think most coaches do a pretty good job of explaining the “why” to players during practices/games, and importantly, explaining it in a method that will be effective for the unique player. However, I’m not sure the same could be said for communication with parents. Again, without clear communication, parents will begin to develop their own ideas and opinions of why things are being done a certain way, which may or may not be accurate. At a high level, communication should be provided weekly to all parents highlighting successes, failures, and lessons learned from the previous week, with a preview of what to expect in the current week and beyond. At an individual player/parent level, communication can be split into two main categories; one being regularly scheduled check-ins to discuss development and encourage feedback, two being brief or any ad-hoc decisions before practices/games if possible. As an example, several years ago the Peewee team I was coaching was in a two-game play-off. In youth hockey, a tandem-goalie system is the only system that should be used, and we split time the whole season. However, in this case, I thought one goalie had earned a slight edge and the right to start both playoff games. I communicated this with the parents of the goalie who would be sitting. After a healthy discussion and review with the other coaches, we decided that this was not the correct decision and decided split the games evenly. We ended up winning both games, and everyone was happy. In this case, I had been blinded by the situation and let my coaching judgement stray from one of our core concepts which was explicitly outlined as “development for all” (as it should be at the Peewee level). If I did not communicate this decision with the parents beforehand 1.) Both the player and his parents would have been very upset 2.) I would have made the incorrect decision based on our established team culture of development. Most importantly, communication with parents and players holds coaches accountable and gives us the opportunity to listen, learn, and become even better coaches! Coaches are responsible for the team’s success: Most youth coaches are volunteers who also have full-time jobs, families and other responsibilities to look after. Just because we are coaching for the true love of the game and not for a living doesn’t excuse us from continuing to grow, learn, and push ourselves. We expect a lot from players and parents, and we should expect the same if not more from ourselves. Especially with the technology and resources available today, there’s no reason why we can’t continually refine and hone our coaching craft. In fact, if we aren’t doing this, parents (and players) have the right to be frustrated and ask us hard questions. Before we start pointing the finger at others, we need to look in the mirror first. Managing the vocal minority I see far too many youth coaches constantly fighting fires and battles with their most vocal and irrational parents. This is the exact opposite of what it should be! If you have explicit standards and follow them, the vocal minority will be exactly that. However, if you focus most of your time and effort with these parents, they eventually become the culture and narrative surrounding your team. While it is important to listen to all stakeholders, instituting rules such as the “24 hour rule” (coach reserves the right to delay conversation for 24 hours if emotions are high) or “e-mail rule” (parent must explicitly formulate their thoughts/feedback in writing before discussing in-person) can be helpful in managing these parents. Managing the vocal minority is very draining and can cloud our judgement of the majority of parents who are actually great.
Moving Forward Together
Overall, I really can’t say enough good things about the parents that I have had the opportunity to be involved with. I am truly thankful for their feedback, support, and most importantly, for giving their children the opportunity to play the greatest game on earth. As coaches, we have responsibility over the team as a whole, not just players, and it’s time that we start taking responsibility as such. Most coaches enjoy coaching because of the kids, and we want to see them succeed at achieving their hockey dreams. Parents undoubtedly play a role in their player’s success equation, and we need to treat them as such. Hockey parents are not the problem – it’s the lack of attention that they have been given by coaches that’s the problem.